Today was such an equivocal passing of nothing and everything just seemed so separated. Like different parts of me were drifting into worlds, but still vaguely adjacent to each other and time.

I'm having a sort of sullen day. I hate feeling sorry for myself and all this "why couldn't my life have been different" crap. why is it that love is always enormously distant from me, and my past is this vertiginous void that's lost but i keep thinking maybe i know it intimately. sheesh. i'm just one big blah blah blah catastrophe.

the desires that are incessantly pulsing inside are the ones that refuse me. all is circular, a taunting ride where i'm in the middle and people spin with my passions yet i can't turn too.

so what if i'm screaming so what if i'm wanting. life would be nothing if you didn't want it and love it crazy.

it doesn't matter that nothing's happened because it will and i'll love it all the more.

Alex went to go take a bath and read. I think I'm in desperate need of a hot shower and maybe i'll leave the window open so i can smell the air.