I’m listening to Mazzy Star right now and just letting the low honey of the girl’s voice meander through dulcet passages of the air. I talked to Paul tonight. ( I don’t care if he reads this). But I just don’t understand him sometimes. He seems to be very open-minded but at the same time I think his attitude of superiority (concerning his writing abilities) and his apprehension to recognize beauty is sort of detaining him from life. Now, positively, he would refute this, but this is my web diary and my opinion, it’s not like I’m coercing character flaws onto someone. I guess, when he says stuff like “I can’t enjoy beat poetry because I don’t know about it,” it almost bothers me. Of course there is the need for background in order to attain complete comprehension. But stuff like Ginsberg’s Sunflower Sutra is so overwhelmingly beautiful that it seems absurd to hold its meaning in abeyance until one has some sort of educational prelude to that genre. I can understand the mind’s need for sufficient information, but it’s the soul who connects with beauty and there are no “soul tutorials” on appreciating something lovely. Hmm..I think opinionated girls need to learn how to shut up more often. So, following in the footsteps of my suggestions, I am going to shut up. (Not go mute in general, of course not! Just silence my thoughts on the previous subject.)

Brendan and I got together for a few hours today. He’s working so much that he wasn’t sure if he’d be able to see me before I left. (I leave on the 8th, which is Saturday. Eek. Sixteen whole days without an update! Oh well, I’m so indolent anyways that my negligence concerning updates probably will go unnoticed.) I feel so bad for the guy, he’s so busy with working and he just moved. (AGAIN.) First he moved out of the dorms for the summer and into a house with a few of his friends, now his friends and him have moved out of their house and into a new and larger house. I gave him this weird artsy self portrait picture of my legs and he hung it on his wall. lol. I think it’d be incredibly funny if someone asked about it. I wrote a poem about him called When You are Sleeping on the Floor. I sent it to Alex today, so I guess I’ll see what he thinks.

Anyway, to keep a consistency on my topic, Brendan and I went out today. First we went and got a smoothie because I wanted one and I had some splendid fifty percent off coupons. He ordered some overly potent kiwi things that took on the appearance of bubbling pond scum while I stuck with Chocolate. So after that we went to a clothing store because I was looking for a dress. I was really bummed because I found the cutest lace dress thing but it was butt tight. Brendan liked it and some random girl in the dressing room concurred on its cuteness and fashion appeal, but it was a little too “hey won’t don’t you stare at my ass because I’m dressed for attention” sort of thing. I felt rather bad dragging Brendan out into the cruel arena of shopping. For all his sense of style he goes blind when it comes to woman’s apparel. Let’s pray he never buys me clothes. So anyway, I had decided that we needed to have some sort of philosophical conversation and we went to Border’s for tea. I don’t know, I guess lately I’ve just been wanting to make sure that Brendan loves me for the right reasons. It’s almost like a too good to be true situation. He think I’m perfect (HAH!) and says the most attractive things like he wants to fall in love with my mind. I really think he has the common artistic thread of a writer and could join me in pursuing an avant-garde life of literature. This is what happens so often in relationships:

There’s the need to impress, so you exhibit all your intelligence, all your clever and charming aspects, and you strive to be as cute as hell. But then, it’s almost like relationships fade away into some sort of big litany of affections where you degenerate into this “cute” stage where everything is a “ I love you” and “let’s cuddle” thing. I would die if that happened, so I guess lately I’ve been sort of passionate about us having contemplation time where we converse through enlightening opinions.

Well at Border’s we couldn’t think about anything to talk about. I think this always happens when I’m around Brendan because I feel so comfortable around him that I almost just want to lay under an enormity of stars and do nothing but flatten myself into the earth and stare. It’s part that and part that Brendan and I agree on practically everything. I think I just realized the advantages and disadvantages of that right now. Because when we first met it was cool, like this sort of “you’re me in a different body” thing, but now it’s almost too perfect and I’m kind of wanting some sort stirring up.

I don’t know. I really don’t. I get so dubious about everything and I let myself fall back into this ambivalence.

To recall something more happy - I talked to Jamie today. I never really talk about my friends in my diary, but I should. Because Jamie is rad and it will be sad when I go away for two weeks. I’m going to miss everyone; even the cute guy who works at Akins! Sigh. Alas, I’ve run out of money (and thus excuses) to buy things in the store. I love my friends. They rule to the max and I’m so blessed to love and be loved ( reminds of Moulin Rouge de ja vu.. lol). Well, the days dusks into a euphoria of dreams, so I think now would be the time for slumber. I hope sleep isn’t a myth for me tonight, like it has been recently. I don’t know why, but I haven’t been sleeping much lately, it seems like when I’m away I’m just existing in echoes of sleep. Dunno. But tonight I will be a good girl and hop in bed with my kitty and dream up something

beautiful involving Italy and books and tea and cats and the intricacies of the heart and everything together revolving in a unified glow. Goodnight Moon.