I am so not even worthy of a webdiary. I say this with confidence because I only update like once a week and it's getting pathetic. Not that it wasn't pathetic before, but the extreme loserness of the situation is starting to seep more deeply into the crevices of my awareness. Sigh.

So I'm indulging in my midmorning ritual of drinking tea. (It's French Vanilla - sort of reminiscent of coffee. And by the way, the "Mummy's Passion" Jamie was referring to on her weblog is quite good. It's Island Rose tea!) No ones home and I'm basking in the resonant soundwaves of The Anniversary. I'm listening to their first CD, "Designing a Nervous Breakdown," it's totally contrarian from their newest release. Much more emo and let's rock around because we're nerds. I kind of like it better than their second one. Partly because it has attached itself to my soul through a sentimental remembrance of last summer, also because it's more emo, and of course, because they have a song called The Heart is a Lonely Hunter. Haha.

So anyway, I leave tomorrow for Quartz Mountain. It's all kind of surreal. At first I was lost in the hype of my good fortune, and now it's becoming, not a threat, but perhaps a little ominous because of the time consumption. Yesterday was the most lush day. A sunny equilibrium with idyllic clouds. Very nice, very the essence of childhood summer days type thing. Lara and I saw each other for about and after we got a smoothie we went cruising down these gorgeous pastoral roads. The windows were down and we had techno music blasting. So I was dancing and then Lara decides she'll follow my lead. Well, she sort of neglected the wheel for a good few seconds and in its rebellion, we literally hovered over a ditch. I was surprised we didn't DIE. Then she dropped me off to get a hair cut (it's really cute, short and messy, it looked sort of anime when the girl styled it and bounced around all day like I was cool..). And I'm going to miss that chick so much. We aren't going to see each other for a month because of our overlapping trips. I spend all last evening making her this big bag full of things to take on the plane. I painted a bag for her and made her a picture frame and a journal, and my hand has been mutilated from the hot glue gun one too many times, I'm afraid. But she's worth a handful of burns. Two handfuls, actually. Sigh.

Last summer was the most tragic of my entire life, involving a complete slap on the face from my best friends, which led me to collapse into a social hibernation where I became a hermit half on my own account and half because I had taken on the embodiment of a pariah. This summer is so drastically different, as all seasons of our lives are as they evolve through the influence of our surroundings. But when I get back from Quartz, Jamie will be here and so will some other kindred spirits. I just thought about how I'll miss Jamie as well. Damn,I hate vacations.

But it's not even that, it's that I was laying in bed last night contemplating everything random and relevant to life and I thought for 16 days I'm not going to be encased in this familiar mien. I'm not going to sleep in the sun with my kitties and read books under my backyard tree and walk in the neighborhood so essential to everything. I'm going to be disconnected from life because I'll be living a different one. I don't know. There are so many selves and I just want to find the truest one. Hmm.

I wrote a poem a few days ago about leaving and the stagnancy of my summer thus far. It's just a quick scribbling, nothing to be lauded. But maybe something to be understood.

I am sitting on the floor in front of the rain that capes the evening in a platitude. God, I think. I haven't done anything all day

but drink water with lemon and worry about Saturday, when I leave my baby kitties in disaffection.

The writers in my life aren't writing. Joe is embedded in his tradegies of Faulkner. Alex is wanting to see his artist, but he goes to the museum instead>where she is not on the walls.

I missed a party because I had to pack. But I didn't. I drank lemon water and worried about Joe and Alex and the rain,

falling tenebrous through the eventide of summer.